Content-type: text/html Ray Manning

Monday, May 15, 2006 9:00 AM

Sadness


Each morning I get up a few minutes after 5am. On Monday and Thursday I go walking and running, respectively, before work. On Tuesday and Wednesday I just head for work and get there a little after 6am. On Monday and Wednesday I get in good high repetition (and increasing weight) workouts. And then I relax and do some reading and catching up on paperwork.

On Wednesday I handle phone calls from Person M_Fl and Person C_T. Person M_Fl and I had not spoken for a while and he has moved up near Marina del Rey from Long Beach though he still works and goes to school in Long Beach. Person C_T and I just talk about my overwhelming degree of sadness and increasing levels of depression. Nothing feels right right now even though things are going well in my life. And both bathrooms are so close to being completely finished thatthey should be done by Friday (including te final insepction from the city of Long Beach).

On Thursday and Friday I have a lot of trouble getting reduced models to run (prior to insertion into simulations). But I keep plugging along and it looks like I'm getting there by the time that I leave work on Friday. On Friday I leave work near 2pm to meet the bathroom contractor to finish up both bathrooms (and because I already have plenty of hours in for the week). As the bathroom contractors put finishing touches on the bathrooms I mow the backyard and update some paperwork and finances. And I write out the last check to the bathroom contractor as we walk around and do a final inpection. Coincidentally the official approved permits for the remodel arrive today in the mail.

Saturday is a productive day. I get up early to do the laundry and dos ome grocery shopping. I watch the final qualifying for the European Grand Prix and then head out on the loop ride on the road bicycle. During the bicycle ride I see a lot of volunteers out cleaning up the Los Angeles river. And I realize, recalling the television news article from the day before, that today is the 20th anniversary of the start of groups dedicated to preseving and celaning the Los Angeles river. It makes it special to be cycling along the river today. Today there are two other riders who want to suck on to the back of my wheel and I happily pull them along as we chat. Until, even with me breaking the wind, they have to drop off. At the end of the ride I'm tired but it's a good ride. Throughout the remainder of the rest of the day I patch, prime, and paint various hallways or closets near where the construction has completed. (I had the contractor concentrate on the things that I couldn't do and I tidied up with the things that I could do.) In the afternoon I even work on writing a document for work.

Person C_T comes over and we have dinner at Sizzler. It has probably been ten years since I've been to a Sizzler. There are not many people at this one but we have a nice dinner. We rent two DVD - one being "24 Hour Party People" that I've wanted to see for a while. Person C_T is a bit shocked when I recognize a lot of the people from the late 1970's punk movement as the DVD starts. But later Person C_T dozes off as I continue watching the British town's change from punk to new wave to raves. The DVD does not pay enough attention or time to raves and I'm a bit disappointed. And I'm joining Person C_T for sleep near 11 pm.

On Sunday I'm up a bit late but watch the European Grand Prix. The results are not what I wanted but it's okay. Person C_T and I watch the second DVD that we rented with Steve Martin in it. It's an okay movie. I get out for the aquarium ride as Person C_T does yoga. Later after we get cleaned up we do errands - stopping at the ATM, returning a DVD, and having pizza for lunch. And then Person C_T heads off for his errands as I clean up the backyard, take out the trash, and just relax. I should be painting the walk-in closet, but I'm lazy and figure that I'll get to it this week after work.

I note that I still have periods of sadness and failure. I do not know why I am having these thoughts lately because there are no bad things happening in my life right now.

On Sunday afternoon and evening I get some painting done in the new walk-in closet. I also have a nice discussion with my neighbor as we talk about the nerighborhood, the upcoming mayoral runoff, and other things. We both agree to collaborate on a trip to help destabilize some unjust governments.

Monday and Tuesday are frustrating days at work as financial people and managers ask why I am underspending. I just give them dirty looks as if to say, "You know why I'm underspending". But then I actually say, "Tell me if I've missed any tasks, milestones, or deliveries". When this is met with silence I discontinue the conversation. On Both Monday and Tuesday I lift weights after work and do some painting of the new walk-in closet. And continue to feel sad about...um...I don't know why.

Wednesday is a lousy day as the software licenses at work have a hard time working. Thus I lose a majority of the day. Towards the end of the day I get some good work done as the licenses come back up but I also gather disturbance data for later use. When I get home I lift weights, mow the front and back yards, take a break for dinner while watching last night's tape of Boston Legal, and paint the ceiling of the new walk-in closet. Later Ralph calls and I put together a website for him and his wife and offer to help more as they get better pictures of their merchandise.

On Wednesday night (really Thursday morning) at 3:15 am I wake up and feel horrible. My jaw hurts, my head feels hot, my legs are restless, some muscles are a bit sore (from lifting), and I keep having very strange thoughts about death and dying and illness. I cannot fall back asleep until about 4:30 am. When I wake up I annot get out of bed and go back to sleep. When I finally wake up just before 7 am I take my temperature and find I'm running a +2.7 degree fever. This may not be a good day.

I ride the motorcycle to work and it feels good - the cool weather sucking heat away from my feverish body, face, and head. Except that the combination of my hot head and the cool misty outside weather keeps fogging up my motorcycle helmet shield. But the coolness helps and I feel a bit better when I get to work.

I run into a couple of my bosses almost immediately on Thursday morning at work and I warn them to stay away from me because I have a fever today. One says, "If you have a fever, then the program has pneumonia". I laugh and accept it as a compliment.

On Thursday after work I attend Scott's Eagle Scout ceremony. I run into a co-worker from Northrop Grumman and we have a brief conversation. But it's good tos ee Mom and Dad again andd to see Scott go through the ceremony and to talk with John. Even though they live only 2-3 miles away, we rarely see each other these days.

On Friday I sleep in a bit as I've turned the alarm clock off in order to recover. My body temperature is back to normal on Friday morning. Friday is a productive day at Northrop Grumman. Except that I receive word near 3pm that the sensor has failed after its vibration test. Or rather, the optical alignment shift after the vibration test is excessive. I relay this message to my bosses and then I say, "I've had enough for the week and I'm going home".

When I get home I trim the bushes in the front yard, clean and trim the roses, take a quick shower, stuff some bread and cheese and diet Coke down my throat (and call it dinner), do the laundry, and go grocery shopping. Because Saturday is a food drive where the postal workers pick up non-perishable food donations for local food banks, I buy extra food to leave out for the mail man to pick up. And then I relax for the evening.

On Friday evening before I go to sleep I must have dozed off during television viewing because I've just had a "vision". I see myself in a hospital bed and there are co-workers coming to visit me. And I break into tears saying, "I don't know what happened. I'm so sorry for putting you through this". But I don't know why I'm in the hospital though I suspect it was something self-destructive.

On Saturday I sleep late and when I do wake up I feel like a train ran over me. The day starts slowly as I watch qualifying for the Spanish Grand Prix, check the Internet for qualifying times for the MotoGp race in China, and paint the new walk-in closet. I open up a number of windows and doors to let the paint dry and get out the door for a bicycle ride.

As I return from the bicycle ride Person C_T is just arriving. After I take a shower we get Person C_T's car washed, do some grocery shopping, so some other simple shopping, and finally get new tail light bulbs for Person C_T's car. (AfterI mentioned that his tail light was out, Person C_T received a "fix it" ticket from the CHP.) When we get home I put the tail light bulb and then we relax. Near 5 pm Person C_T is leaving to get his hair cut. It's a relaxing evening with a phone call from Joe and that's it.

On Sunday I get up and go for a walk. buy some more groceries, and buy the newspaper. I watch the 250cc race from China (My favorite Yuki Takahashi gets 5th place though the Hondas are way down on straightline speed), the Formula One rac from Spain (It's fitting that a Spanish driver wins the Spanish Grand Prix for the very first time), and the MotoGP race from China (Rossi retires due to a badly blistered front tire). I get out for the aquarium ride during mid-day and relax with the newspaper and little errands for the rest of the day.

I've told Person C_T, Joe, Ruby and Joseph about feeling sad so much lately. I know that I have people that I can rely on if I need help, but I haven't felt that I needed any special help yet.