On Monday morning I get out for a 4 mile run - just barely finishing before the rain starts. I guess I have to drive to work because I don't want the newly washed and waxed motorcycle to get dirty and wet. On Monday I leave work and lift weights to go on top of the morning run. On this session I drop the weight back a shade and increase the repetitions as a normal part of intensity cycling. After lifting I go walk for 70 minutes - getting a bit wet from some sprinkles. I watch the taped Desperate Housewives" and then do a few paperwork tasks around the house to keep my mind off my problems. And I'm in bed and reading near 9:30 pm to get rested for Tuesday's bicycle commute.
The bicycle commute to work in the morning and from work in the afternoon goes well. Just as I get out of the shower at home Ruby calls and postpones the resourcescout meeting because it is Joseph's birthday. We re-schedule for the following week and all agree to work on the usual things for the extra week.
A list of quotes that I've had said to me in the last week or so:
1) "Somehow I don't see you as a person running a psychological and emotional deficit"
2) "I thank God that I have you Ray"
3) "Oh...fuuuuck.....Oh.....fuuuuuuck"
4) "Don't skate off the end of the pier"
5) "Are you stiff?"
6) "Things always work out for the better"
7) "Don't go back in to turbo slut mode"
8) "Is that a bug bite on your arm or have you been shooting up again?"
I'll let the reader try to figure out which quotes were said to me at
work.
And, to be fair, a list of things that I've said aloud:
1) "Don't even touch the effing phone" (To myself)
2) "Do I have to call Human Resources on you?"
3) "Oh God, please let me not go back to using heroin or worse."
4) "Do you like this?"
5) "I just screw everything up"
6) "We usually a put a metallic flexure in parallel with the amorphous,
moderately-crosslinked, polycrystalline material to prevent static sag and
long-term creep."
7) "I knew I should have worn a long sleeve shirt today."
Wednesday is a quiet day though I get out walking before work and have a good session with the weights after work. I can just tell that Tuesday and Wednesday are the quiet before the storm. On Wednesday night Person C_T and I have a good 90 minute telephone conversation. Only twice for brief periods of time do I feel tears welling up in my eyes and my throat tightening up. So I just listen to Person C_T and I "don't say an effing word" until I am able to speak again.
The Thursday morning bicycle commute is trance-inspired with a new stream of mp3 downloads. It seems that the hour of trance that plays during the ride in to work is continually building to a summit, but the summit never quite arrives. And when I get to work I realize that, theoretically, I shouldn't take the mp3 player in to work because it has record capability. I'll know better next time.
On Friday morning I wake up at 3:15 and cannot fall back asleep. After thinking about it, I get up and surf the Internet and talk with people in other countries. At 5am I get out running. Though the left calf threatens to start hurting as it has done for a few previous runs, it makes it through this 6.5 mile run.
On the morning motorcycle ride to work I pretend that I am Valentino Rossi pushing his Yamaha for all it's worth. I pretend that I've just put on my last set of Q tires and desperately want to deal a psychological blow to the competition by getting the pole. Thus as I'm on the entrance ramp to the freeway my right knee is within millimeters of the pavement as the bike is leaned over negotiating the right hand hairpin. But I accelerate hard and I'm up to 100 mph BEFORE I enter the freeway. Within 25 meters of entering the freeway I've made it over to the fast lane. But this is not fast enough. So, as anyone on their Q tire would do, I make gaps where there are none. Going for the pole requires a total committment. No doubt I enjoy this ride to work. And I just don't care anymore.
On Friday afternoon I lift weights, mow the front and back yard, take a quick shower, and do the laundry. After the laundry is done I do some grocery shopping and am glad that it is time to leave the store. These are tremendously emotional times for me as witnessed by the two incidents in the next parapgraph.
In the grocery store I see a man watching the cashier total up the bill and he has a worried look on his face. And I almost start crying because he may or may not be able to buy everything that he needs. But the far more "impacting" event was on the Thursday afternoon bicycle ride home. I've just made the eastbound turn off Avalon onto Del Amo and there's a 45-ish latino man sitting on the bench waiting for the bus. This man has the look that he has the weight of the entire planet on his shoulders. I assume into the situation that he has lost his job recently and after not finding new work for a few days, is now on his way home to tell his wife that he has no work. (Of course I've assumed this scenario.) But it is enough to set me off and their are tears dripping down onto my legs as I'm pedaling along Del Amo trying to escape from the scene.
On this Friday night Person J_VKPI calls (after his call this morning) and wants me to go out with him and his friends. But I have to decline. Fridays are boring and I just cannot do it tonight.
And I might as well admit that there was a scar on my arm as well as a couple of slices on a finger. It really didn't hurt. I guess I am immune to pain now. It was just a little experiment in self-mutilation with a syringe and a razor blade. It really didn't hurt.
On Saturday morning I crank out 40 miles on the road bicycle as I go up and over the Whittier Narrows dam. As I'm first jumping on to the Los Angeles river trail in Long Beach, a very telling song comes on my mp3 player. It has the lyrics, "This is your sanct-u-a-ry". And I have a stunning realization that being on the bicycle for 40 miles and being on the Los Angeles river is, indeed, my sanctuary. It's a great ride!
Later I drive over to a Household Hazardous Waste disposal day in Long Beach with some old paint and motor oil to dispose of in an environmentally friendly way. There's the usual long snaking lines of cars and I just sit back and be patient. Pretty soon a police car is slowly cruising against traffic looking at each car/truck. And the policeman stops next to me and starts a conversation with, "Do you like it"? As he's rolled down the window to ask me the question, I've simulatenously said, "Are we having fun yet"? And now we have a ten minute conversation where each time I move forward in the snaking line of cars, he moves backward to stay right next to me. When we get to a turn, he does a 270 degree turn, gets out of his police car, and stands next to my window as I continue to stop and go with the line. I can see that everyone else is watching what is going on and wondering why the police officer has taken such an interest. At the end of the conversation, which covers racing and speed and traffic violations and fun and knife-edge handling, as the police officer is walking back towards his car, I introduce myself and he says, "My name is Brandon. Pleased to meet you Ray". And we're both on our way. I continue on to do some painting around the house and to clean up the
On Saturday night Joe is in Corona, Person J_VKPI is not to be heard from, and Person T_U is not to be heard from. But I'm restless so I make my way to West Hollywood on my own. I make it to two different clubs over the course of the evening. The first is very crowded with posers and out-of-towners, so I really only stay an hour. The second is not crowded at first, then becomes crowded, then empties rapidly. I run into a number of different acquaintances and fend off offers. I almost say something to Person M_P that I shouldn't say. Fortunately, as I'm about to say something, I remember, "...don't say an effing word". Person P_P is present and has short hair for the first time. He explains that his long hair was butchered and the only way to fix it was to cut it short and start over. I leave at 1:30 and I'm at home at 2:20 am on Sunday morning. Which becomes 3:20 am with the time change.
I'm up a bit after 6 on Sunday to fertilize the lawn, go buy groceries and the newspaper, and to watch the Grand Prix of Bahrain. Afterwards I get out for the aquarium ride on tired legs. There's a guy who passes me and I let him get a 100 meter lead and then I keep the distance constant. Except the sanctuary song comes on again (click along. With the pace picked up I'm in full stalk mode and it isn't long before I've passed the other cyclist and left him in the dust (even though he has the skinny high pressure tires and I have intermediate pressure tires on).
I get out for a chilly afternoon skate down by the ocean. It is just a relaxing skate and I don't push the pace or anything like that.
On Sunday afternoon Person C_T and I have a long conversation. We try to decide what to do. Finally we decide to get together later in the week and plan on talking what each of us needs from the other in order to build a relationship and make things work. Later I grab a Kava root extract and sink into oblivion for the night.
There is no run before work on Monday morning because I just lay in bed - trying to wake up from the ridiculously deep sleep (due to lack of Saturday night sleep, the Kava root extract, and the usual stress).